Fifty Shades of… [book & movie (SPOILER)]

…soft porn for desperate housewives.
Yes this is exactly what it is!

But before I go on with ranting, I would like to clarify that this review only reflects MY VERY OWN & PERSONAL OPINIONS, so don’t get a knot over it in your wet panties!

THE BOOK: 1,5 STARS

description

JESUS F*CKING CHRIST!
I don’t know what to say, except that the book actually left me pretty pissed and speechless – and not in a good way!

I mean, let’s start with Miss Anastasia Steele: She’s a 21-year-old Literature student, and yet she needs to do a google research on what a simple word like “submissive” within a dom-sub-relationship means.
Really?

How did she even get into college to study literature and such, where you actually need a good knowledge of words?
She’s so annoying and naïve, that I’m really just out of words. Her inner goddess is always doing something, and so does her subconsciousness! It’s always cheering with Pom-Poms like a cheerleader, dancing, smiling, crying, buying coffee, etc. etc. etc.
Endlessly annoyed. GRAH!

Then, to Christian: This may also be because of personal preferences in men, and that I don’t like his optics as they are described, but I can’t find anything sexy in him.
Nothing. Nada. Nichts!
Next to that, this man is seriously f*ucked up, but considering his early childhood and “Miss Robinson” I can’t really blame him.

In a way it’s nice to see how he falls for her, does things he never did before and said he wouldn’t do or aren’t “his thing”. And the other only likable thing about him is that he’s not as annoying as she is but that doesn’t take much anyway.

The thing that annoys me most is that at the end, when Ana actually knows  Christian somewhat and knows what he likes and is into, she freaks out after SHE ASKED HIM TO show her what he usually does to his women and what it’s like to be in a “relationship” with him.
Bitch, you knew what he was into and asked for it and now you are upset about it?
WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK! descriptionYou knew he wasn’t into vanilla-sex. Get real girl for Christ sake and stop crying!

I didn’t have high hopes from the very start, and I’m happy about it. This hole book…story is so flat that it’s already entertaining again. Sure there are a few (very little) nice parts in it, but most of the time it actually left me screaming because it’s so bad!

It might be the translation into German but there are a few words you usually wouldn’t say as such. And I can’t read anymore “post-coital”, “inner goddess” and “subconscious”/”subconsciously”.
Just fucking NO.
These words were all used like 7849274972394723 times in each chapter and I literally moaned each time it came after the second chapter already.

For now I’m very happy that I’m done with this book and I have to think well IF I will ever pick up the second book.

THE MOVIE: 3 STARS

I went to see the movie last week, just to see how it is and if it’s better than the book. Again, I kept my expectations very low, and therefore found the movie pretty okay.

They rush basically through the first third of the book and everything happens very quickly. I found this good but also a little sad, because I felt that one can’t really see/feel how they are falling for each other.

Also the contract is a huge part of it and how she won’t really sign it and takes her time with everything. But generally their “relationship” is displayed nicely. Ana is much less annoying than what she is in the book(s).

Overall the film itself was made super nicely, the soundtrack is awesome and the actors do a great job. The only urge I really had was to slap that stupid smirk out of Christians face…

Maybe I will go for the second movie when it’s out in a few year.

To conclude this all: I really can’t understand the hype about this book, not at all. Wherever all these 5 Star ratings come from I don’t even know. Yes I know it was originally a Twilight Fan Fiction and it’s actually a really bad one, too.
The movie may be a nice soft porn for desperate housewives but nothing I would want to see twice.

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Author: Fhina

Ocean soul. 28 years old book lover living in Helsinki, active reader and coffee addict.

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